Posted in death, grief, Hope, Life, loss, Love, mourning, pain, Uncategorized

5 Things They Don’t Tell You About Grief

It strikes when we least expect it and we are forced to learn how to live our daily lives without someone who was close to us. We learn to figure out a new tune to life and find hope in new places.

Grief is something that can be all consuming if it’s not properly understood. We can’t hide from it and at some point or another everyone has to deal with it (some more than others).

Here are 5 things you didn’t expect during the grieving process:

1. It Hurts Long After They’re gone

You’ve lost a loved one or friend, maybe even both. Nothing prepares you for the pain after the fact. A year, 2 years, 5 years, a lifetime after it happens.

The initial pain and shock of hearing someone you cared about has died or witnessing it. As time goes by it may seem alright for a little while. You’ve got it figured out and read all the life quotes and bible verses to aid in the pain.

Somehow years later the wound still feels fresh. Perhaps from some dream, a smell that reminds you of them, or their favorite song. These reminders tell us that they were once here. They used to laugh and talk with us.

Don’t forget those moments. Hold on to them with all you’ve got. Change something painful into something totally beautiful. Laugh while you reminisce and be thankful for their presence.

2. Nothing is The Same

img_5415

Absolutely nothing at all. Celebrations and day to day life won’t ever be the same and that’s okay. Life isn’t supposed to be the same, you’re supposed to grow, change and understand life during the grieving process.

Maybe you get the urge to text or call the person that has passed on. You could be driving down the street passed their favorite restaurant or going by their house.

Life feels just a little bit different, doesn’t it?

Like something is off. How can one person tilt the way your life feels so much?

It’s okay. Breathe. Take this time to find new beginnings. Don’t be afraid to move on without them. They don’t want you to sit here staying stagnant while life keeps going. Embrace this change, accept it and try your best to move on.

3. You’ll Be Mad

This is one of the steps of the grieving process. For some, this cycle lasts for years and for others they can maneuver through the process quicker.

Anger. It’s healthy as long as you know how to handle it. Don’t settle your emotions here. You’re mad they left you. Maybe you’re mad you didn’t get to say or do the things you wanted. You’re mad they are gone a little bit too soon. As if any amount of time could be long enough to be with someone you love?

Be mad. Scream. Cry. Pout. Whatever you need to do let it out. After that pull yourself together and think of happy times. Life and death go hand in hand. Death is part of the cycle of life.

You weren’t prepared for how angry you’d feel but don’t let that emotion or state of being, rob you of happiness and growth.

4. The World Goes On

grief.jpg

This is obvious, right? For someone that has lost a loved one, it may feel like you’re suspended. Stopped in mid-air and don’t know how to go on. Like that very day plagues you.

You have to move on.

Plain and simple.

Write, talk about it, cry about it, laugh about the memories and go on. Live your life as if they are watching you. Make that person proud of you. Surely if they were here they’d want you to move on.

The rest of the world continues as normal. You should too.

5. You, Will, Think About Them Every Day

Some days will go better than others. Some days you’ll laugh and some you’ll cry.

It’s all healthy and necessary.

It’s not bad to think about them every day. It’s not bad to remember good memories and cry when you miss them. Some people would tell you to forget but don’t. It will make this process last longer than it needs to.

One day you’ll wake up knowing they’re gone, but it will be okay. Because you still remember them. And you’ve gotten to the point where you can talk about them, and think about them without being sad.

Sadness leaves because you realize and understand that this is part of life. Everything is in the creator’s control and you understand that now.

love.jpg

 

 

 

Posted in Beauty, Courage, Decisions, family, Forgiveness, Healthy, Life, loss, Love, marriage, Motivation, Parenting, psychology, Relationships

Married at 22?!

This may sound crazy since we live in a generation where young marriage is looked down upon.

A few decades ago this wouldn’t have been so surprising. My grandpa proposed to my grandma when she was 18.

They were married for 53 years before he died.

Living during these times and being married is sort of rewarding. It’s great to know that we are doing something that has been lost in recent generations.

Do people even look forward to marriage anymore?

I’ll be honest. I was the little girl who dreamed of getting married. The one who couldn’t wait to be a mother and wife.

This generation has lost that sense of romanticism. Like in the movies.. the kind of love you read about.

Our world is very selfish. Me, me, me with no regard for anyone else.

When you’re married you can’t be like that. Instead you look at how you can be of service to the person you’ve committed your life to.

Why??

Because you want to. Because they’re your best friend. Because life without them would be drastically different.

For the sake of love?

At first, but it won’t always be like this. You won’t always “feel” in love. In fact you’ll probably get irritated, angry and impatient.

They’re going to fail you and you’re going to fail them. It’s okay you’re both human.

What matters is the promise. The covenant made between two people who love and value each other more than anything else.

It’s great knowing there’s someone in your corner all the time. Someone to talk to. To go through life with.

Someone that will be there when things get crazy. When life comes knocking at your door in the middle of the night and all you can do is depend on them.

Because we all have someone in our lives like that. Even if it’s just a friend.

How amazing it is for that person to be the one you commit your life to. For better and for worse, rich or poor.

It’s sad knowing this generation has lost this. Lost the ability to love and forgive freely. To trust and be trusted.

Most of all it’s sad knowing our generation can’t get past themselves to see something bigger.

Because at the end of the day, when you’re old and tired and sick….

Degrees won’t matter

Accomplishments won’t matter

Careers you’ve had won’t matter

What matters is the relationships you’ve made with those around you.

You don’t want to look back on life to find you spent so much time on YOU that you’re left with no one there.

I’ve seen it before. I used to work in a nursing home. People who have dedicated everything for their careers sacrificing things they thought they didn’t want.

Only to find that they be left alone with regret and loneliness.

I hope this makes you think. I hope it makes you think about your relationship with friends and others who are close.

To me being married at 22 is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Even if you don’t want to get married at least value those around you. The quality of our life is made by the relationships we held on to and the people we treasured.

Consider this. Ponder on it and let me know what you think.

Until next time..

T.

Posted in Beauty, Confidence, Courage, death, DNA, grief, Healthy, Life, loss, Love, Mental Wellness, Motivation, mourning, Parenting, psychology, Relationships

Life Lessons: Grief

 

If you would have asked me six months ago what grief means I would have given you some vague shallow answer because then I did not quite know what it was. My only images of grief at that time were from tear jerker movies and when my 79 year old grandpa died when I was 14.

 

December 14, 2017 changed a lot for me. In fact in changed my whole world. I remember wondering why my mom was calling me at 5AM. Just so you know I hate mornings, so I answered in a groggy and sleepy tone, probably still in a daze from one of my dreams the previous night.

 

“Your Dad isn’t breathing. The ambulance is on the way.”

 

I hung up the phone and went downstairs. I did not really know what to do so I thought about taking the kids to school. Wait, that didn’t make sense I have to go see if he’s okay! So I rush to put some clothes on and leave the kids with their Dad.

 

Long story short he passed away in his sleep. He was only 52 but he had a massive brain bleed from a stroke 4 months earlier leaving him bed ridden and dependent on the very family he created. Following this stroke he also had heat failure and a multitude of other health issues.

 

First it HITS you. Smacked in your face with the reality that someone you spent your whole life with is gone. Just like that. I mean I knew one day my dad would die. I just thought he would be older and get to walk me down the isle and all the things adult daughters do with their fathers. At least I got to take care of him! Next I was numb. I knew what had happened and I knew the condition he was in. That was my defense mechanism. LOGIC. Logic tells me all the medical terms I was taught in nursing school, all the patients I’ve taken care of, and the death I had seen in those facilities.

 

BUT logic couldn’t prepare me for my drive home from school, going past the hospital he was in for 3 months, or for the times I can hear his voice in my head telling me he’s proud. Logic didn’t prepare me for the conversations I had with my toddlers on why their favorite person was gone a little bit too soon.

 

So I learned something new. I learned how to grieve. I learned how to take old happy memories and turn them into motivation to do and be better. I learned not to rely on myself for understanding but to look at the word written in the Holy Book. I learned that it was okay not to be okay as long as tomorrow you wake up and can still see the beauty in everything. I also learned that flesh must die, but love and memories don’t. I was grateful for this new understanding I had on life.

 

still get the urge to text him when something good happens. Sometimes I pick up my phone and wonder why he hasn’t texted me in a while, then I remember. I see him when I looked in the mirror, when I look at my kids and when I go past anywhere he’s been. Honestly I like that. I like the subtle reminders that he was here. Because sometimes he seems to distant. So I’ll look at old photos and try to reach a memory from years ago when we’d throw the football together.

 

Anyway, I hope this helps you. I hope that you get the strength and clarity to be thankful for times you shared with loved ones. I hope you don’t choose to forget them, honor them in your actions and carry their memories with you always. I hope you go by their favorite spot and joy and happiness cross your face as you remember your loved ones. Don’t let this eat you alive. It is a beautiful thing to know our lives are this precious, so cherish everyone you know, cherish and do a cheers to old times and take lots of photos! Know that they really are with you everywhere you go. Just know you have to let them go and live your life the way they’d want you to.